The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
