so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
