I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I still have a little drunk in my system
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You left your phone here
Wait...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
