i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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