i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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