It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Ladies don't puke and tell
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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