i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
