Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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