Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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