My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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