he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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