i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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