My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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