I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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