just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
