Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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