I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
