I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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