You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
