Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
