she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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