i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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