Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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