I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
