I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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