when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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