Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
