where am i from again
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
