If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I wish there were birth control emojis
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
