Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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