I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
