"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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