remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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