we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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