My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
