Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
