First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
