Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
