There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
His hands were made for my vagina.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Randomize
