she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I came so hard my ears popped.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
