she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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