Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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