Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
