about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
