guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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