Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
