I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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