we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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