we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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