You're a womanizer and a bitch.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
