I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
