I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
