Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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