Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
