Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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