1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So much rum. So many feels.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
