I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
